


Not Your Roxy

by PandoraTheExplorer



Series: Month of Drabbles Challenge 2018 [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Gen, ret-john timeline, rose is a good therapist, roxy gets a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-14 23:26:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16050755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandoraTheExplorer/pseuds/PandoraTheExplorer
Summary: Roxy writes a letter to her friends who died and her friends who watched her die





	Not Your Roxy

**Author's Note:**

> Day 6 of my 2018 Month of Drabbles Challenge.

Dear Jane, Jake, and Dirk

You’ll never read this letter but Rose told me I should write it anyway. Apparently a good way to deal with my problems is to write a letter explaining why I’m mad. I told Rose that I’m mad at basically everyone, but she told me to just pick a few. I’ll do what she says, I guess. She did graduate from the best psychology school in Carapace Kingdom with a fancy doctorate and all.

Janey, I would like to start off by saying I’m not mad at you. I just included you because I’m already including Jake and Dirk and I didn’t want you to be left out. I guess that’s kind of weird, since none of you are ever going to read this anyway and also I’m writing all the reasons I’m mad at everyone but whatever. Just know that nothing that happened was your fault and I love you so much.

I only wish you’d talked more about all your problems before the Batterwitch made you. I would have been happy to support you, and Dirk and Jake would have, too. I guess that was a problem for all of us. If we had communicated more, maybe things would have played out differently?

When I’m with you now, I know you’re not looking at the Roxy that I am. You’re thinking of the Roxy that you speared in the chest with a fork and wasn’t able to resurrect before you got knocked out. That’s okay, though. When I look at you, I don’t see the Jane that you are, either. I always see the Jane that fell asleep in the middle of a battle and got stabbed along with Jake and died.

Jake, I am actually mad at you. I’m mad at you for jumping in front of that fucking sword and dying like a fucking moron. I know you wanted to save Jane but really? Taking a katana in the chest for her? I’m sure you knew the moment you jumped that you were going to die a heroic death. And you didn’t even save her life! Jane got skewered right after you did and now you’re probably still lying on the ground in the other timeline like a messed up human shish-kebab.

I think I would have done the same for Jane, if I was able to. I would have jumped in front of a thousand swords if that meant you and Jane and Dirk didn’t have to die such horrible deaths. Maybe in a better timeline I would have taken a sword in the chest just like you and Jane and we would all be together again in the dream bubbles.

When I talk to you now, you always seem so amazed, like you can’t believe I’m still here after you saw me die. I guess the Roxy you knew isn’t here anymore. I replaced her. I wish you’d finally believe that I’m real. I’ve seen what you could do if you just believed enough. I guess that’s not really you, though-the Jake who believed is long dead.

I’m furious at you, Dirk. You were gone and safe for the entire time that shit was going down, but when you got back, you gave up and died like a punk anyway. Are you fucking serious? You just took one look at our friends’ dead bodies and went and offed yourself in the glitches? John said you “got lost” or whatever but I’m calling bullshit. You could have followed John. You could have just run from those glitches. You could have come and found me, for fucks sakes!

If you knew that Jake and Jane were dead, you must have known I wasn’t dead, and yet you just abandoned me! How could you just leave me all alone, Dirk? I was sitting all alone in that desert with my mother’s corpse and a boy I barely knew. I wanted to die, Dirk. I wanted to die because Jake and Jane were dead and my mom was dead and Callie was dead and I didn’t know where you were so I thought you might have died as well. But John said he saw you so I went to look for you. I risked getting lost in the glitches to find you and bring you back but no matter what I couldn’t find you. If I had looked harder would you be here right now? And what would have happened to the Dirk of this timeline?

That Dirk doesn’t even know that I’m an imposter. He wasn’t there when his timeline’s Roxy died and Jane and Jake and I never even told him. If you knew that I’m not your Roxy, would you still treat me the same way you always did? I don’t know what you’d do, and I don’t ever want to know. Maybe you’re happier not knowing.

I think the person I’m the maddest at is myself. I got knocked out the entire time my friends were dying and only woke up in time to save my mom AFTER she already got skewered. What kind of a teammate am I? I couldn’t save my mom from the Batterwitch, couldn’t save Jake and Jane from that spider girl, and couldn’t save Dirk from the glitches or Callie from her asshole brother.

The only thing I managed to do is take the place of a dead girl and take credit for everything that she did. Now you can’t even grieve properly for your own Roxy because you’re trying to dance around my feelings all the time. I can tell that Jane and Jake wanted a funeral for her, but you never had one for my sake. Dirk at least has the right to know that one of his best friends died, but none of us are telling him because why make him sad when there’s already a Roxy here as a replacement?

Am I just a replacement to you? Just another Roxy to make up for the one you’ve lost? Sometimes I wonder if I’m using all of you as replacements for the people I’ve lost, too.

I can’t even figure out which timeline of friends this letter is addressed to. I don’t want to think of you guys in the new timeline as the same people in my old timeline. Sometimes I can’t help it. I’m sorry.

~~Not~~ Yours,

Roxy Lalonde

**Author's Note:**

> We get a lot of angsty John stuff with the Ret-John timeline but not enough stuff with Roxy, you know?


End file.
